PERFECT CONFIDENCE

A junior in an office dialed his boss's number by mistake & said:
Hey,
Send a coffee in my cabin in two minutes!...........

Boss shouted:
Do you know whom you're talking to?!!!!!!

Junior:
No!

Boss:
I'm the boss of this office.

Junior (in the same tone):
And do u know whom you're talking to?

Boss:
No!

Junior:
Thank God.

(And disconnected da phone).....:d :p

WEATHER PREDICTIONS

A Hollywood director was shooting a big budget movie on location in the desert.
One day an old Indian came up to him and said,
"Tomorrow rain."

And sure enough the next day it rained.

A few days later,
The old Indian appeared on set again,
Sidled up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm."

And sure enough,
The following day there was a fearful storm which brought a temporary halt to filming.

The director was hugely impressed by the old Indian's weather predictions and told his secretary to put the tribesman on the payroll.
However, after a number of other successful forecasts,
The Indian didn't show for three weeks.
Then the director sent for him.

The director said,
"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow and I'm relying on you.
What is the weather going to be like?"

The old Indian shrugged his shoulders,
"Don't know.
Radio broken."

FEES FOR VISITING PATIENT'S HOME!

A boy went to a doctor and asked:
What is your fees for visiting patient's home?

Doctor: Rs 300

Doctor took his bike.
The boy sat behind him and reached home.

Doctor: Where is the patient?

Boy: There is no patient.
Taxi driver asked for Rs 500 to drop me home but you agreed for Rs 300.

Doctor Shocked...
Boy Rocked...

FATHER'S OCCUPATION

"What's your father's occupation?"
Asked the school secretary,
Filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.

"He's a magician,"
Said the small boy.

"How interesting!
What's his favorite trick?"

"Sawing people in half."

"Really?
Now,
Next question.
Any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes.
One half-brother and two half-sisters.

INNOCENT DAUGHTER

A girl was crying bitterly.

Mom: What happened dear?

Daughter: Mom do I look like a wicked witch?

Mom: No!

Daughter: Are my eyes big as toad?

Mom: No!

Daughter: Is my nose flat?

Mom: No baby!

Daughter: Am I fat like a bulldog?

Mom: You have a fine physique,
You are a barbie doll!

Daughter: Then why people tell me that you look like your mom?

SECRET OF LONG LIFE

The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son,
You know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you.
It will give you acne,
Rot your teeth,
Make you fat."

The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked,
"Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"

The little boy answered,
"No,
He minded his own damn business!"

GOD VS SCIENTIST

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,
"God, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing -
In other words,
We can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh,
Is that so?
Tell Me..."
Replies God.

"Well,"
Says the scientist,
"We can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it,
Thus creating man."

"Well,
That's very interesting...
Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..."
Interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."

PARKING SPACE

Wayne was returning home from a business trip...
Bags in hand ...
And slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne,
And the driver pointed menacingly at him.
"Get in,"
The driver ordered.
"I'll take you to your car."

Startled,
Wayne took a step backward.
"Ah ... no thanks,"
He answered.
"I can get there myself."

"No,"
The man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door.
"Get In!"

Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage,
Hoping to find a security guard.

Just then,
The driver's face softened .....
"Please,"
He said,
"I've been driving up and down for two hours.
I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

CLEVER KID

"Hey, Mom,"
Asked Johnny
"Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do,"
He went on,
"I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and,
Grabbing her purse,
She handed over the money.

"Well?
What did he say?"

He said,
"Hey,
Marie,
Make sure you wash my socks tomorrow."

THE PROFESSOR'S OFFER

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students,
About to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester.
I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer.

So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week,
Anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up,
Walked to the front of the class,
And took the professor up on his offer.

As the last taker left the room,
The professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked,
"Anyone else?
This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining.
"I'm glad to see you believe in yourself,"
He said. "You all get 'A's."

THAT IS NOT MY DOG

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper,
"Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says,
"No,
My dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch!"
He says,
"I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies,
"That is not my dog!"

THE GRASSHOPPER'S HOUSE DRINKING

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede
Were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking,
So they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said,
"I'd go,
But I'm kind of slow.
Besides, Grasshopper,
This is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said,
"I don't mind going,
But my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."

So they decided to send the centipede;
And the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned,
So the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.

They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

TWO FACTORY WORKERS

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says,
"I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies,
"And how would you do that?"

The woman says,
"Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says,
"What are you doing?"

The woman replies,
"I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says,
"You've been working so much that you've gone crazy.
I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says,
"Where are you going?"

The man says,
"I'm going home, too.
I can't work in the dark."

APPLYING FOR A JOB

There are three people applying for the same job.
One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.

The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician.
They say "we have only one question.
What is 500 plus 500?"
The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000."

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question.
The statistician ponders the question for a moment,
And then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident."

He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room,
He is asked the same question: "What is 500 plus 500?"
The accountant replies,
"What would you like it to be?"

They hire the accountant.

PILOT AND CO-PILOT

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude,
The Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot,
Leans back in his seat,
And mutters,
"I don't like the Chinese."

"You don't like the Chinese?"
Asks the co-pilot,
"Why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor,
That's why!"

"No, No,"
The co-pilot protests,
"The Chinese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor!
That was the Japanese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter,
You're all the same!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I don't like Jews!"
The co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?"
Asks the captain.

"The Jews sank the Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!"
Exclaims the captain,
"It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no matter...
They're all same!"

AIR FORCE ONE CHARITY

Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

Dick looks at Dubya,
Chuckles and says,
"You know,
I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well,
I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Donald Rumsfeld says,
"Of course,
I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot looks at all of them and says,
"I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

THE CROSS EYED COW

One day, A farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.
He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow,
Stuck a tube up the cow's butt,
And blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.

The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks,
And the farmer went home happy.

About a week later,
The cow's eyes were cross-eyed again,

But this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself.
So he called his hired hand over,
And together they put a tube up the cow's butt.

The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.
Strangely, Nothing happened,
So he asked his hired hand to give it a try.

The hired hand removed the tube,
Turned it around,
Put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?"
Asked the farmer,
Horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

COWS IN GOVERNMENT

FEUDALISM: You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows.
The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.
You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows.
The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.
They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers.
The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows.
The government takes both,
Hires you to take care of them,
And sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows.
Your neighbours help you take care of them,
And you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows.
You have to take care of them,
But the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.
Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them.
Then it pays you not to milk them.
Then it takes both,
Shoots one,
Milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows.
Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.

GOLF IN HEAVEN

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven.
On the first tee,

JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut;
It rolls to a stop about 270 yards out,
Perfect lie.

Jesus steps up next and kills the ball,
Sending it about 300 yards straight away,
Perfect lie.

God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees.
As it flies in,
A huge oak is struck by lightning and splits,
One half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway.

As it comes to a rest,
A bare 50 yards out,
A squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods.
Before he gets in,
An eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel,
Carrying it aloft down the fairway.
Just as it passes over the green,

The eagle is pelted by hailstones,
Whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole.
Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup.
Suddenly there is an earthquake!
The ball drops in... hole in one!

Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look,
Then turns to God and says:
“Dad? We gonna play golf,
Or are you just gonna mess around?”

FORGET ABOUT IT

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home,
The wife says,
"Dear, Will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream?
And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense,"
Says the husband,
"I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well,"
Says the wife,
"I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad,"
Says the husband.
"No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.
I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen;
His wife hears pots and pans banging around.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks,
"Hey, Where's the toast I asked for?"

DENTIST

A lady walked into a dentist's office,
Took off all her clothes,
And spread her legs.

The dentist said,
''I think you have the wrong room.''

''You put in my husband's teeth last week,"
The lady said.
"Now you have to remove them."

MEXICAN RESTAURANT SPECIALTY

A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant.
The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday,
So the couple orders the special.

With great fanfare,
The waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat,
Juices dripping.
It smells delicious and tastes even better.

The couple is delighted with their meal,
And the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish. "Senor,"
He explains, "Each Saturday night,
We have the bullfights,
And that was the bull's balls you ate."

The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten,
But it was delicious,
So they get over it.

Six months later,
The couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant.
Feeling adventuresome,
They order the same dish.

Once again, With great fanfare,
The waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table.
But this time,
There are two tiny pieces of meat,
Barely enough for one.

The man says, "Excuse me,
But the last time we were here and ordered this dish,
It was huge,
More than enough for two.
Why is this portion so small?"

The waiter smiles and replies,
"Well, You see, senor,
Sometimes the bull wins!"

THE AMAZING HEALTH COMPUTER

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend,
"My elbow really hurts,
I guess I should see a doctor."

"Don't do that!
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything,
Quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10."

Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose,
So he took his urine sample to the drug store.
Finding the computer,
He poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever,
He began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
A stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store,
Located the machine,
Poured in the sample and deposited $10.00.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better.”

MEMORY FAILS

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
Her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?"
One asked.

"Not yet," said the mother.
"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed,
And another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed,
They asked again,
"May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient,
They asked,
"Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

THE ARMY HOSPITAL

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him,
"If you kiss me,

I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over,
Picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.

The frog speaks up again and says,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket,
Smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back,
I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out,
Smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks,
"What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say.
What more do you want?"

The engineer says,
"Look, I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend,
But a talking frog,
Now that's cool!"

BRAVE PIG WITH THE PEG LEG

A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw."

"So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked.

"One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up."

The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

"You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"

THE BOSS

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.

The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.''

The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.

The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one.

He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

 

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

 

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''