MAID THAT'S NICE DECISION SIR

One day i gone to my girl friend house,
Maid approach me and asked me...


Question-1:
What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda, tea , hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?

Answer:
Tea please.


Question-2:
Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer:
Ceylon tea please.

Question-3:
How would you like it?
Black or white?
Answer:
White.

Question-4:
Milk or fresh cream?
Answer:
With milk.

Question-5:
Powdered milk or fresh milk?
Answer:
Aah,
Fresh.

Question-6:
Goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer:
Cow's milk please.

Question-7:
Freeze-land cow or African cow?
Answer:
U mm,
Think I'll just take it black.

Question-8:
Would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without?
Answer:
With sugar.

Question-9:
Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer:
Cane sugar.

Question-10:
White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer:
Oh ya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.

Question-11:
Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer:
Mineral water.

Question-12:
Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer:
I think I'll just die of thirst!!!!!!!

Maid-
That's nice decision sir.

NEVER EVEN FACED A UNIVERTITY

Teacher is teaching science and the topic is "electricity".

Teacher:
To a boy,
Son what i have written on white board?

Boy:
Mam "eletratity."

Teacher:
No pronounce correctly it is electricity,
Boy: "

Teacher:
No electricity.

Boy:
Eletratity.

Teacher:
After some time,
Ok call your father tomorrow.

Father came.........................

Teacher:
Your son is called eletratity to electricity.
I made him understand a lot that it is called electricity.

Father:
Mam poor boy seems to have less capatity.

Teacher:
You also,
Has any other elder member from your family also here?

Father:
Yes my burg brother.

Teacher:
Ok send him inside.

Teacher to his big brother:
Sir your son call eletratity to electricity & your brother told that his capatity is less.

Big brother:
Ohho,
Such a tiny matter and you did its publitity all over.

Teacher with anger:
Send someone else from your family.

Big brother ok,
My father will come.

Teacher to his father:
Sir your grand son called eletratity to electricity,
And your younger son told that his capatity is less,
And your older son told that you have done needless publitity.

Grandfather:
Ohho,
These dumb ppl don't know nothing,
They have never even faced a univertity.....

METER MADE IN INDIA

A Japanese came to India.
He took an auto to go to the Airport on the way a Honda overtakes.

Japanese:
"Honda made in Japan"
......... "Very fast."

Next a Toyota overtakes.

Japanese:
"Toyota made in Japan"
......... "Very fast."

Airport came he asked:
"How much?"

Auto-driver:
"Rs. 8000/-"

Japanese:
"Why so expensive?"

Auto-driver:
"Made in India"
......... "Very fast."

SLOW WATCH NEVER BROKE

There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill,
Walked all the way to the bottom,
And caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said,
"Easy,
My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

WIFE FIGHTING STYLE

After 2 year of marriage,
Wife of different-different profession husband,
Fight likes this...

Accountant wife:
Be on your account ok.

Wife of stock broker:
If you say more,
Than i will convert your deal into loss.

Orthopedic doctor wife:
Say less or i will broke your bone.

Pilot wife:
I know how to pull you down,
So stop flying in air.

History teacher wife:
Don't teach me much history,
you know.

Software engineer wife:
Idiot,
First take out bug than we will fight.

SOFTWARE DADDY GOT MAIL

Daddy,
How was i born?
"Junior asks his dad."

His dad,
Who is a software engineer sighs and replies,
"Ah,
My son,
I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well,
I saw your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then i set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a Cyber-Cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,

Where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as i was ready to Upload,
We discovered that neither One of us had used a firewall,
But it was too late to hit the delete Button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that,
Her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've got Mail!"

SPECIAL PACKAGE FOR BUSINESS MAN

An airline introduced,
A special package for business men.
Buy your ticket get your wife's ticket free.

After great success,
The company sent letters to all the wives.
Asking how was the trip.
All of them gave a same reply...

"Which trip?"

DON'T MESS WITH INDIAN GUY

James Bond Style:
The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself by calling first Bond,
Then followed by great smile & finally James Bond.

His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't know the consequences when he meets our great south Indian guy.

When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy.

James Bond:
"My name is Bond...(smiles and then says)...... James Bond."

James Bond:
"And you?"

Telugu Guy:
"I am Sai...

Venkata Sai...

Siva Venkata Sai..
Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...
Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....
Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....
Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai......
Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.......

James Bond faints!!!

SMART WIFE AND INTELLIGENT HUSBAND

Is your wife smart enough?

Read below:

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month,
So i am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart.

Your Husband.

.

..

...

....

.....

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses,
I am sending the expenses details.

1. The milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,
So I have given him some other items.....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me,
I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and i hope i can complete the month using this balance.

Shall i plan same way for next months,
Please Advise!!!

Your Sweetheart.

NEWTON LAW OF LOVE

Newton new theory in romantic mood...

Universal law:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed;
Only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money"

First law:
"A boy in love with a girl,
Continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy,
Continue to be in love with him,
Until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."

Second law:
"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy
And the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance."

Third law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

SOFTWARE ENGINEER WIFE

Never marry a software engineer.
Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.

Husband:
Hey dear,
I am logged in.

Wife:
Would you like to have some snacks?

Husband:
Hard disk full.

Wife:
Have you brought the saree.

Husband:
Bad command or file name.

Wife:
But I told you about it in morning.

Husband:
Erroneous syntax,
Abort,
Retry,
Cancel.

Wife:
Oh god!
Forget it where's your salary.

Husband:
File in use,
Read only,
Try after some time.

Wife:
At least give me your credit card,
I can do some shopping.

Husband:
Sharing violation,
Access denied.

Wife:
I made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife:
You are useless.

Husband:
By default.

Wife:
Who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband:
System unstable press ctrl,
Alt,
Del to
Reboot.

Wife:
What is the relation between you & your Receptionist?

Husband:
The only user with write permission.

Wife:
What is my value in your life?

Husband:
Unknown virus detected.

Wife:
Do you love me or your computer?

Husband:
Too many parameters.

Wife:
I will go to my dad's house.

Husband:
Program performed illegal operation,
It will Close.

Wife:
I will leave you forever.

Husband:
Close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife:
It is worthless talking to you.

Husband:
Shut down the computer.

Wife: I am going.

Husband:
It's now safe to turn off your computer.

BOLLYWOOD E-MAIL ADDRESSES

Funny email addresses of the stars.

Abhishek Bacchan:
i_can_act_too@yuva.com

Amitabh Bacchan:
accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv

Anil Kapoor:
expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com

Salman Khan:
why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.com

Shahrukh Khan:
over_emotions@mostmovies.com

Ramgopal Varma:
same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in

Sunil Shetty:
hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com

Aamir Khan:
whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com

Aamir Khan(Alternate Address):
married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com

Saifali Khan:
goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com

Hritik Roshan:
main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com

Hritik Roshan(Alternate Address):
main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com

Ajay Devgan:
finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com

Bobby Deol:
noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com

Sunny Deol:
He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers.
Mail address is a secret.

Urmila:
ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com

Mallika Sherawat:
i_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com

Amisha Patel:
kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com

Kareena Kapoor:
oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com

Raveena Tandon:
waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com

INDIAN EQUATION

SSC + HSC + B.Tech + MBA =
UNEMPLOYMENT.

One Chinese Gymnast =
India's Gold Medal Tally Since 1896.

Sushmita Sen - 1.2 Feet =
Salman Khan.

Special Effects In Shampoo Ads =
Special Effects In Jurassic Park.

Four Weeks In Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada =
A Four Minute Song In Hindi Movie.

Ajay Devgan + Cosmetic Surgery + Acting Ability + Personality + Own Production Company =
Kajol.

Rona Dhona x Bewafai x Badle Ki Aag =
Your Mum's Favorite Serials.

Any Actor + Any Actress + Many Movies =
David Dhawan.

One Smile + 32 Teeth =
Govinda.

One Person - Shirt =
Salman Khan.

One Person + Straight Hair + Un-Straight Walk =
Sanjay Dutt.

One Hand + 10 Kg Weight =
Sunny Deol.

One Engagement + Two Weddings + Three Wedding Songs + Four Hundred Relatives + A House Bigger Than Buckingham Palace =
One Sooraj Barjataya Film.

FUNNY FULL FORM

*** Funny full forms of IT companies ***

1. NIIT:
Not Interested in IT.

2. WIPRO:
Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output.

3. HCL:
Hidden Costs & Losses.

4. TCS:
Totally Confusing Solutions.

5. INFOSYS:
Inferior Offline Systems.

6. HUGHES:
Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping.

7. BAAN:
Beggars Association And Nerds.

8. IBM:
Implicitly Boring Machines.

9. SATYAM:
Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly.

10. PARAM:
Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors.

11. C-DOT:
Coffee During Office Timings.

12. CMC:
Coffee, Meals and Comfort.

13. DELL:
Deplorable Equipment & lackluster s.

14. PSI:
Peculiar Symptoms of India.

15. ORACLE:
On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

DYING OLD MAN WISH

An elderly man 82,
Just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live.
So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:

1. His Doctor

2. His Priest

3. His Lawyer.

He said,
"Well,
Today I found out I don't have long to live.
So,
I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life,
And i need to ask a favor.
Today,
I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die,
I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on,
The three people happened to run into each other.

The doctor said,
"I have to admit i kept $10,000 dollars of his money.
He owed me from lots of medical bills.
But,
I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said,
"I have to admit also,
I kept $25,000 dollars for the church.
It's all going to a good cause.
I did,
However,
Throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing!
"I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that.
I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

TOURING SOUTH AMERICA

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America,
When he comes across an ancient Mayan temple.
The tourist is entranced by the temple,
And asks the guide for details.
To this,
The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations,
And still finding great treasures.
The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old",
Replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating,
He inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy",
Replies the guide,
"The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old,
And that was three years ago."

MOST WANTED RANI

Rani went to a electronic shop with anger,
And threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from whom he bought.

She told the salesman that you have cheated me.
I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop...

Salesman:
Madam,
Can you please try in front of me.

This is what She did,
(1). Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
(2). Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
(3). Took that mouse carefully and connected into the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
(4). Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.
.
..
...
Salesman DIED.

From than Rani is in most wanted list.

DOCTOR REPLACE BY LAPTOP

Edward "My elbow really hurts.
I guess, I should see a doctor."

His friend "Don't be so Desi.
There's computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10.00."

Williams figured he had nothing to lose,
So he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer,
He poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause,
Out popped a small slip of paper which read.
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening,
While thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever,
Williams began to wonder if this could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
A stool sample from his dog,
And urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off,
He masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store,
Located the computer,
Poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises,
Flashed lights,
And printed out the following analysis.
1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter is getting screwed by three guys at the same time and has urinary infection.
Put her on Antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twins.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
5. And Bastard,
If you don't stop masturbating,
your elbow will never get better.

'R' SERIES IN 2015

Nokia Launching 'R' Series In 2015.

Features: 20 SIMS,

Battery Standby: 1 Year,

1000 GB Memory,

100 Megapixels Camera,

TV,

Oven,

Washing Machine,

Fridge,

AC,

Mini Rocket Launcher,

Mini AK-47 and

The new special feature 24G in Which you can meet the person and talk directly :P

CHECKING SUGAR LEVEL

Gappu enters kitchen and opens the sugar box.
Sees inside and closes it.

Wife observes the whole episode.

Again he comes and does the same stuff.
Wife asks Why are you doing this?

Gappu replies:
Doctor told to check sugar level regularly.

INDIAN PROFESSORS ENGLISH

How Indian professors speak English:

1.Don't dare talk in front of my back!

2.Both of you three get out of the class!

3.Take 5 cm wire of any length!

4.All of you stand in a straight circle!

5.Be quiet... The principal just passed away.

6.Why are you looking at the monkey outside the window,
when i am here?

7.I have 3 daughters and all of them are girls.

SCHOOL AHEAD GO SLOW

Teacher:
Why are you late,
Joseph?

Joseph:
Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher:
What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph:
The sign said,
School Ahead,
Go Slow!

CUSTOMER AND TECH SUPPORT

Tech Support:
OK Bob,
Let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter P to bring up the program manager.

Customer:
I don't have a P.

Tech Support:
On your keyboard,
Bob.

Customer:
What do you mean?

Tech Support:
P on your keyboard,
Bob.

COST OF PETROL IN 2050

What would be the slogan of;

PETROL in 2050???

.

..

...

Buy 5 liters PETROL,

Get a Honda 125 free.

EATING GRASS AFTERNOON

One afternoon,
A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine,
When he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men,
Why are you eating the grass?

We don't have money for food,
The poor man replied.

Oh,
Come along with me then,
Instructed the lawyer.

The man answered but sir,
I have a wife and two children!

Bring them along replied the lawyer.
The lawyer turn to the other man and said,
Come with us.

But sir,
I have a wife and six children the second man answered.

Bring them as well!
Replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway,
One of the poor fellows says sir,
You are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied,
No problem.
The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.

CEO IN A SMALL BOAT AROUND THE WORLD

CEO in a small boat crossing to the other island,
Talks to a fisherman.

CEO:
Have you been to college.

Fisherman:
No,
I have no money to go to college.

CEO:
You missed half of your life.

CEO:
Have you been around the world?

Fisherman:
No,
I can't afford dat.

CEO:
You missed another half of your life.
(A storm came & the water entered the boat).

Fisherman:
Do you know how to swim?

CEO:
No!

Fisherman:
Then you will miss your WHOLE LIFE! -see?

Never ever under estimate any one...
Stay humble & be a blessing.

TWO DOCTORS COMPLAINING ABOUT NURSE

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

She is incredibly dumb.
She does everything absolutely backwards.

First doctor:
"Just last week,
I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percolate every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!"

Second doctor:
"That's nothing.
Earlier this week,
I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly,
They hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!"

First doctor:
"I just realized i told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

LITTLE JOHNNY KIILLS A HONEYBEE

While playing in the backyard,
Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says,
"No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon,
Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it!
No butter for you for one month!"
Says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner,
A cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it,
And then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
"Are you going to tell her,
Dad,
Or do you want me to?"

I NEVER BELIEVED IN LUCK

Dedicated to all the engineers...!!!:)))

I never believed in luck,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed in shocking miracles,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed results could be so freaky,
But Engineering Taught Me to...

I never believed i could smile at professor who screwed my life,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed i could study 1000 pages in 1 night,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed i could write 36 Pages in 3 hours,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed friends could be so handy to help out writing exam,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed i could cry without tears,
But engineering taught me that to...

Enjoy one of the most interesting courses offered in the world,
Enjoy the thrill,
Enjoy the impossibilities...!!!

If you are an engineer then proud to be one...!!!