ABBREVIATIONS BY STUDENTS

We go to school,
To attend "CLASS".

C.L.A.S.S.=
Come Late And Sleep Silently.

At home,
We have to "STUDY".

S.T.U.D.Y.=
Sleep, Tv, Unlimited - sms, Dota, Youtube.

In class,
we're given "HOMEWORK".

H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K=
Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge.

While doing homework,
we refer to "TEXTBOOK".

TEXTBOOK=
TEXTing + faceBOOK.....

Happy Study Year! :)

FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT WITHOUT MBA

One day a beggar found 100 rupees.

He went to the five star hotel for lunch.

After the lunch,
Bill came Rs.3000/-.

Beggar was unable to pay the bill.

Manager cry and handed him to police!

He gave Rs.50/- to police-man and free.

It is called financial management without MBA.

DEFINITION OF TIME

Definition of TIME....!

Slow...
When You wait.

Fast...
When you're afraid.

Long...
When you're sad.

Short...
When you're happy.

Endless...
When you're at pain.

Never feel it...
When you're content.

Deadly...
When you're bored.

BEFORE IT'S START

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work,
Plops down on the couch in front of the television,
And tells his wife,
Get me a beer before it starts.

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later,
He says,
Get me another beer before it starts.

She looks cross,
But fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says,
Quick,
Get me another beer,
It is going to start any minute.

Men watching tv.

The wife is furious.
She yells at him,
Is that all you are going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?
You are nothing but a lazy,
Drunken,
Fat slob and furthermore.

The man sighs and says,
It is started.

THREE WISHES

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish,
That's three wishes in total",
Says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says,
"I am a fisherman,
My Dad's a fisherman,
His Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too.
I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So,
With a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM",
The oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed,
So he said,
"I want a wall around England, protecting her,
So that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again,
With a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF",
There was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks,
"I'm very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains,
"Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick,
Protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says,
"Fill it up with water."

BILL GATES AT THE BEACH

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.

He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears.
The Genie says,
I have been trapped for 100 years.
As a reward you can make a wish.

Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage.
Once there,
He goes to a bookshelf,
Pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East.
This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years.
What i wish for is peace in the Middle East.

The Genie replies,
I do not know I can do a lot,
But this?
Do not you have another wish?

Bill Gates thinks and finally says,
OK.
The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes.
I wish you would make everybody love us.

The Genie says,
Let me see that map again.

MOSQUITO AND DOG LOVE STORY

There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot.

One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog.

The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito.

The next day,
Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria.

What a touching story!!!

BE A PROGRAMMER, THINK DIFFERENTLY

Teacher gave him punishment,
To write 5000 times,
“I will not throw paper airplanes in class...”
And submit it tomorrow....

Next day,
He submitted the paper written...

#Include
Void Main( )
{
Clrscr( );Int N;
For( N=1 ; N<=5000 ; N++ )
Printf(“I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes In Class”); Getch( ); }

Be a programmer...
Think differently...

DON'T MARRY

Don't Marry AIRTEL girl,
She will do magic on you.

Don't Marry BSNL girl,
She has connections with all Indians.

Don't Marry IDEA girl,
She touches you tomorrow.

Don't Marry RELIANCE girl,
She takes you in her mutthi mein.

Don't Marry BPL girl,
She be-lives in the best and leave you for the rest.

Marry only HUTCH girl,
She follows you where ever you go!

EXAM RULE SHOULD BE...

Cricket is getting excited day by day with the introduction of IPL and T20...

Same rules should be applied in Exams!

(1). Exams Timing-
Should be reduced to one hour.

(2). Power Play-
No invigilator in exam hall for 1st 15 mi nits.

(3). Cheer Leaders-
To dance after every right answer written.

(4). Strategic Time-Out-
Time for students for discussion.

(5). Super Over-
Chance for students to form their own question. :-)

WHO IS INTELLIGENT INDIAN, AMERICAN POLITICS

While visiting India,
George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is?
He says that,
It is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions,"
Says the Kalam.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,
"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child,
And your father has a child,
And this child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds,
"It's me,
Sir!"

"Correct.
Thank you and good-bye,
Sir,"
Says the Kalam.

He hangs up and says,
"Did you get that,
Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods:
"Yes Mr. President.
Thanks a lot.
I'll definitely be using that!
"Bush,
Upon returning to Washington,
Decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says,
"Condoleeza,
I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why,
Of course,
Sir.
What's on your mind?
"Bush poses the question:
"Uhh,
Your mother has a child,
And your father has a child,
And this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks,
"Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators,
And they puzzle over the question for several hours,
But nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally,
In desperation,
Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell,
Your mother has a child,
And your father has a child,
And this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?
"Powell answers immediately,
"It's me,
Of course."

Much relieved,
Rice rushes back to the White House,
Finds George Bush,
and exclaims,
"I know the answer,
Sir!
I know who it is!
It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust,
"Wrong,
It's Manmohan Singh!".

LITTLE JOHNY LEARNING ENGLISH FOR THE FIRST TIME

Little Johny was new to school and was learning English for the first time.

On his 1st DAT,
He saw two people fighting.
He tried to stop them,
And they said 'SHUT UP!'.
So he learn t a new word.

Then at home he was watching SUPERMAN.
There he learn t i am SUPERMAN.

His father was teaching him some etiquette.
He said 'Always be kind to ladies,
And say LADIES FIRST when necessary'.

So the next day,
He went proudly to school that he learn t three new things.

His teacher asked him a question,
And Johny goes 'SHUT UP!'.
The teacher gets angry and says,
'Who do you think you are?'.

Johny says,
'I am SUPERMAN'.

Then the teacher says,
'GET OUT!'.

Johny says,
'LADIES FIRST'.

PAKISTAN ARMY OFFICERS WEAR BROWN PANTS

A long time ago,
Britain and France were at war.
During one battle,
The French captured an English colonel.

They took him to their headquarters,
And the French general began to question him.

Finally,
As an afterthought,
The French general asked,
"Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way,
The officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is if they are shot the blood won't show,
And the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why,
From that day to this,
All Pakistani Army officers wear brown pants.

FRIENDS NAME IS WHAT, WHY, WHEN

Three friends name is What, Why, When,
Were talking.

.
..
...

What:
Why what are you doing?

Why:
I don't know,
What are you doing.

What:
Why?

Why:
Why are you calling me?
What?

What:
Now why did you call me?

Why:
What!
When did i call you?

When:
What is your problem,
Why are you call in me?

Why:
What?
Did i call you?
When?

What and When:
What.

When:
Why are you calling yourself?

Why:
Did i call myself,
When?

When:
What?

What:
Why did you Call me?
Don't ask when?

Why and When:
What. ;->

WHY EVERYONE SAY LADIES FIRST

Two lovers planing to suicide.

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......

Boy jumped 1st,
Girl close her eyes,
And returned.

.
..
...

Boy in air opened parachute,
And said i know you don't jumped.

.
..
...

From that day onwards people started saying,
LADIES FIRST...!!!

UPGRAD TO HUSBAND 1.0

A woman writes to the IT technical support.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year i upgraded from boy friend 5.0 to husband 1.0,
And i noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance,
Particularly in the flower and jewellery applications,
Which operated flawlessly under boy friend 5.0.

In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
Such as romance 9.5 and personal attention 6.5,
And then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,
MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
And house cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that i have tried running nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
But to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate wife, _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Reply...

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,
While husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command:
I thought you loved me.
Html and try to download tears 6.2,
And do not forget to install the guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications jewellery 2.0 and flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause husband 1.0 to default to silence 2.5,
Or out of the house 6.1.
Please note that out of the house 6.1.
Is a very bad program that will download the rarely at home beta.

Whatever you do,
Do not under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition,
Please do not attempt to reinstall the boy friend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program,
But it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and good looks 7.7.

MAID THAT'S NICE DECISION SIR

One day i gone to my girl friend house,
Maid approach me and asked me...


Question-1:
What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda, tea , hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?

Answer:
Tea please.


Question-2:
Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer:
Ceylon tea please.

Question-3:
How would you like it?
Black or white?
Answer:
White.

Question-4:
Milk or fresh cream?
Answer:
With milk.

Question-5:
Powdered milk or fresh milk?
Answer:
Aah,
Fresh.

Question-6:
Goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer:
Cow's milk please.

Question-7:
Freeze-land cow or African cow?
Answer:
U mm,
Think I'll just take it black.

Question-8:
Would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without?
Answer:
With sugar.

Question-9:
Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer:
Cane sugar.

Question-10:
White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer:
Oh ya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.

Question-11:
Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer:
Mineral water.

Question-12:
Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer:
I think I'll just die of thirst!!!!!!!

Maid-
That's nice decision sir.

NEVER EVEN FACED A UNIVERTITY

Teacher is teaching science and the topic is "electricity".

Teacher:
To a boy,
Son what i have written on white board?

Boy:
Mam "eletratity."

Teacher:
No pronounce correctly it is electricity,
Boy: "

Teacher:
No electricity.

Boy:
Eletratity.

Teacher:
After some time,
Ok call your father tomorrow.

Father came.........................

Teacher:
Your son is called eletratity to electricity.
I made him understand a lot that it is called electricity.

Father:
Mam poor boy seems to have less capatity.

Teacher:
You also,
Has any other elder member from your family also here?

Father:
Yes my burg brother.

Teacher:
Ok send him inside.

Teacher to his big brother:
Sir your son call eletratity to electricity & your brother told that his capatity is less.

Big brother:
Ohho,
Such a tiny matter and you did its publitity all over.

Teacher with anger:
Send someone else from your family.

Big brother ok,
My father will come.

Teacher to his father:
Sir your grand son called eletratity to electricity,
And your younger son told that his capatity is less,
And your older son told that you have done needless publitity.

Grandfather:
Ohho,
These dumb ppl don't know nothing,
They have never even faced a univertity.....

METER MADE IN INDIA

A Japanese came to India.
He took an auto to go to the Airport on the way a Honda overtakes.

Japanese:
"Honda made in Japan"
......... "Very fast."

Next a Toyota overtakes.

Japanese:
"Toyota made in Japan"
......... "Very fast."

Airport came he asked:
"How much?"

Auto-driver:
"Rs. 8000/-"

Japanese:
"Why so expensive?"

Auto-driver:
"Made in India"
......... "Very fast."

SLOW WATCH NEVER BROKE

There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill,
Walked all the way to the bottom,
And caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said,
"Easy,
My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

WIFE FIGHTING STYLE

After 2 year of marriage,
Wife of different-different profession husband,
Fight likes this...

Accountant wife:
Be on your account ok.

Wife of stock broker:
If you say more,
Than i will convert your deal into loss.

Orthopedic doctor wife:
Say less or i will broke your bone.

Pilot wife:
I know how to pull you down,
So stop flying in air.

History teacher wife:
Don't teach me much history,
you know.

Software engineer wife:
Idiot,
First take out bug than we will fight.

SOFTWARE DADDY GOT MAIL

Daddy,
How was i born?
"Junior asks his dad."

His dad,
Who is a software engineer sighs and replies,
"Ah,
My son,
I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well,
I saw your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then i set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a Cyber-Cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,

Where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as i was ready to Upload,
We discovered that neither One of us had used a firewall,
But it was too late to hit the delete Button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that,
Her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've got Mail!"

SPECIAL PACKAGE FOR BUSINESS MAN

An airline introduced,
A special package for business men.
Buy your ticket get your wife's ticket free.

After great success,
The company sent letters to all the wives.
Asking how was the trip.
All of them gave a same reply...

"Which trip?"

DON'T MESS WITH INDIAN GUY

James Bond Style:
The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself by calling first Bond,
Then followed by great smile & finally James Bond.

His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't know the consequences when he meets our great south Indian guy.

When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy.

James Bond:
"My name is Bond...(smiles and then says)...... James Bond."

James Bond:
"And you?"

Telugu Guy:
"I am Sai...

Venkata Sai...

Siva Venkata Sai..
Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...
Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....
Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....
Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai......
Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.......

James Bond faints!!!

SMART WIFE AND INTELLIGENT HUSBAND

Is your wife smart enough?

Read below:

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month,
So i am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart.

Your Husband.

.

..

...

....

.....

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses,
I am sending the expenses details.

1. The milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,
So I have given him some other items.....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me,
I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and i hope i can complete the month using this balance.

Shall i plan same way for next months,
Please Advise!!!

Your Sweetheart.

NEWTON LAW OF LOVE

Newton new theory in romantic mood...

Universal law:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed;
Only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money"

First law:
"A boy in love with a girl,
Continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy,
Continue to be in love with him,
Until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."

Second law:
"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy
And the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance."

Third law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

SOFTWARE ENGINEER WIFE

Never marry a software engineer.
Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.

Husband:
Hey dear,
I am logged in.

Wife:
Would you like to have some snacks?

Husband:
Hard disk full.

Wife:
Have you brought the saree.

Husband:
Bad command or file name.

Wife:
But I told you about it in morning.

Husband:
Erroneous syntax,
Abort,
Retry,
Cancel.

Wife:
Oh god!
Forget it where's your salary.

Husband:
File in use,
Read only,
Try after some time.

Wife:
At least give me your credit card,
I can do some shopping.

Husband:
Sharing violation,
Access denied.

Wife:
I made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife:
You are useless.

Husband:
By default.

Wife:
Who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband:
System unstable press ctrl,
Alt,
Del to
Reboot.

Wife:
What is the relation between you & your Receptionist?

Husband:
The only user with write permission.

Wife:
What is my value in your life?

Husband:
Unknown virus detected.

Wife:
Do you love me or your computer?

Husband:
Too many parameters.

Wife:
I will go to my dad's house.

Husband:
Program performed illegal operation,
It will Close.

Wife:
I will leave you forever.

Husband:
Close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife:
It is worthless talking to you.

Husband:
Shut down the computer.

Wife: I am going.

Husband:
It's now safe to turn off your computer.

BOLLYWOOD E-MAIL ADDRESSES

Funny email addresses of the stars.

Abhishek Bacchan:
i_can_act_too@yuva.com

Amitabh Bacchan:
accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv

Anil Kapoor:
expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com

Salman Khan:
why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.com

Shahrukh Khan:
over_emotions@mostmovies.com

Ramgopal Varma:
same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in

Sunil Shetty:
hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com

Aamir Khan:
whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com

Aamir Khan(Alternate Address):
married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com

Saifali Khan:
goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com

Hritik Roshan:
main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com

Hritik Roshan(Alternate Address):
main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com

Ajay Devgan:
finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com

Bobby Deol:
noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com

Sunny Deol:
He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers.
Mail address is a secret.

Urmila:
ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com

Mallika Sherawat:
i_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com

Amisha Patel:
kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com

Kareena Kapoor:
oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com

Raveena Tandon:
waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com

INDIAN EQUATION

SSC + HSC + B.Tech + MBA =
UNEMPLOYMENT.

One Chinese Gymnast =
India's Gold Medal Tally Since 1896.

Sushmita Sen - 1.2 Feet =
Salman Khan.

Special Effects In Shampoo Ads =
Special Effects In Jurassic Park.

Four Weeks In Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada =
A Four Minute Song In Hindi Movie.

Ajay Devgan + Cosmetic Surgery + Acting Ability + Personality + Own Production Company =
Kajol.

Rona Dhona x Bewafai x Badle Ki Aag =
Your Mum's Favorite Serials.

Any Actor + Any Actress + Many Movies =
David Dhawan.

One Smile + 32 Teeth =
Govinda.

One Person - Shirt =
Salman Khan.

One Person + Straight Hair + Un-Straight Walk =
Sanjay Dutt.

One Hand + 10 Kg Weight =
Sunny Deol.

One Engagement + Two Weddings + Three Wedding Songs + Four Hundred Relatives + A House Bigger Than Buckingham Palace =
One Sooraj Barjataya Film.

FUNNY FULL FORM

*** Funny full forms of IT companies ***

1. NIIT:
Not Interested in IT.

2. WIPRO:
Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output.

3. HCL:
Hidden Costs & Losses.

4. TCS:
Totally Confusing Solutions.

5. INFOSYS:
Inferior Offline Systems.

6. HUGHES:
Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping.

7. BAAN:
Beggars Association And Nerds.

8. IBM:
Implicitly Boring Machines.

9. SATYAM:
Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly.

10. PARAM:
Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors.

11. C-DOT:
Coffee During Office Timings.

12. CMC:
Coffee, Meals and Comfort.

13. DELL:
Deplorable Equipment & lackluster s.

14. PSI:
Peculiar Symptoms of India.

15. ORACLE:
On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

DYING OLD MAN WISH

An elderly man 82,
Just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live.
So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:

1. His Doctor

2. His Priest

3. His Lawyer.

He said,
"Well,
Today I found out I don't have long to live.
So,
I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life,
And i need to ask a favor.
Today,
I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die,
I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on,
The three people happened to run into each other.

The doctor said,
"I have to admit i kept $10,000 dollars of his money.
He owed me from lots of medical bills.
But,
I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said,
"I have to admit also,
I kept $25,000 dollars for the church.
It's all going to a good cause.
I did,
However,
Throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing!
"I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that.
I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

TOURING SOUTH AMERICA

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America,
When he comes across an ancient Mayan temple.
The tourist is entranced by the temple,
And asks the guide for details.
To this,
The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations,
And still finding great treasures.
The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old",
Replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating,
He inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy",
Replies the guide,
"The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old,
And that was three years ago."

MOST WANTED RANI

Rani went to a electronic shop with anger,
And threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from whom he bought.

She told the salesman that you have cheated me.
I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop...

Salesman:
Madam,
Can you please try in front of me.

This is what She did,
(1). Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
(2). Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
(3). Took that mouse carefully and connected into the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
(4). Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.
.
..
...
Salesman DIED.

From than Rani is in most wanted list.

DOCTOR REPLACE BY LAPTOP

Edward "My elbow really hurts.
I guess, I should see a doctor."

His friend "Don't be so Desi.
There's computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10.00."

Williams figured he had nothing to lose,
So he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer,
He poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause,
Out popped a small slip of paper which read.
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening,
While thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever,
Williams began to wonder if this could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
A stool sample from his dog,
And urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off,
He masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store,
Located the computer,
Poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises,
Flashed lights,
And printed out the following analysis.
1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter is getting screwed by three guys at the same time and has urinary infection.
Put her on Antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twins.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
5. And Bastard,
If you don't stop masturbating,
your elbow will never get better.

'R' SERIES IN 2015

Nokia Launching 'R' Series In 2015.

Features: 20 SIMS,

Battery Standby: 1 Year,

1000 GB Memory,

100 Megapixels Camera,

TV,

Oven,

Washing Machine,

Fridge,

AC,

Mini Rocket Launcher,

Mini AK-47 and

The new special feature 24G in Which you can meet the person and talk directly :P

CHECKING SUGAR LEVEL

Gappu enters kitchen and opens the sugar box.
Sees inside and closes it.

Wife observes the whole episode.

Again he comes and does the same stuff.
Wife asks Why are you doing this?

Gappu replies:
Doctor told to check sugar level regularly.

INDIAN PROFESSORS ENGLISH

How Indian professors speak English:

1.Don't dare talk in front of my back!

2.Both of you three get out of the class!

3.Take 5 cm wire of any length!

4.All of you stand in a straight circle!

5.Be quiet... The principal just passed away.

6.Why are you looking at the monkey outside the window,
when i am here?

7.I have 3 daughters and all of them are girls.

SCHOOL AHEAD GO SLOW

Teacher:
Why are you late,
Joseph?

Joseph:
Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher:
What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph:
The sign said,
School Ahead,
Go Slow!

CUSTOMER AND TECH SUPPORT

Tech Support:
OK Bob,
Let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter P to bring up the program manager.

Customer:
I don't have a P.

Tech Support:
On your keyboard,
Bob.

Customer:
What do you mean?

Tech Support:
P on your keyboard,
Bob.

COST OF PETROL IN 2050

What would be the slogan of;

PETROL in 2050???

.

..

...

Buy 5 liters PETROL,

Get a Honda 125 free.

EATING GRASS AFTERNOON

One afternoon,
A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine,
When he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men,
Why are you eating the grass?

We don't have money for food,
The poor man replied.

Oh,
Come along with me then,
Instructed the lawyer.

The man answered but sir,
I have a wife and two children!

Bring them along replied the lawyer.
The lawyer turn to the other man and said,
Come with us.

But sir,
I have a wife and six children the second man answered.

Bring them as well!
Replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway,
One of the poor fellows says sir,
You are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied,
No problem.
The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.

CEO IN A SMALL BOAT AROUND THE WORLD

CEO in a small boat crossing to the other island,
Talks to a fisherman.

CEO:
Have you been to college.

Fisherman:
No,
I have no money to go to college.

CEO:
You missed half of your life.

CEO:
Have you been around the world?

Fisherman:
No,
I can't afford dat.

CEO:
You missed another half of your life.
(A storm came & the water entered the boat).

Fisherman:
Do you know how to swim?

CEO:
No!

Fisherman:
Then you will miss your WHOLE LIFE! -see?

Never ever under estimate any one...
Stay humble & be a blessing.

TWO DOCTORS COMPLAINING ABOUT NURSE

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

She is incredibly dumb.
She does everything absolutely backwards.

First doctor:
"Just last week,
I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percolate every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!"

Second doctor:
"That's nothing.
Earlier this week,
I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly,
They hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!"

First doctor:
"I just realized i told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

LITTLE JOHNNY KIILLS A HONEYBEE

While playing in the backyard,
Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says,
"No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon,
Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it!
No butter for you for one month!"
Says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner,
A cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it,
And then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
"Are you going to tell her,
Dad,
Or do you want me to?"

I NEVER BELIEVED IN LUCK

Dedicated to all the engineers...!!!:)))

I never believed in luck,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed in shocking miracles,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed results could be so freaky,
But Engineering Taught Me to...

I never believed i could smile at professor who screwed my life,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed i could study 1000 pages in 1 night,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed i could write 36 Pages in 3 hours,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed friends could be so handy to help out writing exam,
But engineering taught me to...

I never believed i could cry without tears,
But engineering taught me that to...

Enjoy one of the most interesting courses offered in the world,
Enjoy the thrill,
Enjoy the impossibilities...!!!

If you are an engineer then proud to be one...!!!

LAWS OF LIFE

Law of telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,
You never get a busy tone.

Law of mechanical repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the workshop:
Any tool when dropped,
Will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
The next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath theorem:
When the body is immersed in water,
The telephone rings.

Law of encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases,
When you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
It will.

Law of bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater rule:
People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of coffee:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,
Your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of proposal:
After you accept a proposal you will get a better one :-D

WORLD OF 21ST CENTURY

Welcome to the 21st Century Where:

Our phones -- wireless!
Cooking -- fireless!
Cars -- keyless!
Food -- fatless!
Dress -- sleeveless!
Youth -- jobless!
Leaders -- shameless!
Relationships -- meaningless!
Attitude -- careless!
Wives -- fearless!
Feelings -- heartless!
Education -- valueless!
Children-- manner less!
But still, Our Hopes are -- Endless.

Infact, I am speechless!!!

WHAT IS THE MOST DANGEROUS ALPHABET?

Question:
What is the most dangerous alphabet?

Answer:
W

Because all worries start with W

Who?
Why?
What?
When?
Which?
Where?
War,
Weapon,
Wine,

And the most dangerous...

Woman.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
Press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent,
Please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities,
Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid,
We know who you are and what you want,
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,
Press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic,
Listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,
It doesn't matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic,
Press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar,
Please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss,
Press 9.

If you have low self-esteem,
Please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal,
Put the gun down,
Hang up,
Turn on the fan,
Lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde,
Don't press any buttons,
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, My job is done... Your turn!!!)

I LOST THE KEY TO OPEN THE LOCK

Man:
The main door in shares were uprooted and placed him on the shoulder.

Man One man asked:
"O cad,
Sell the door"?

Man:
"No,
I lost the key to open the lock."

The man said with a laugh:
"If the thief entered the house"?

Man:
"How can thieves will be inter the door has with me"!